in my opinion , a movie reviewer's most important task is to offer an explanation for his opinion . 
but with soul survivors , i'm so full of critical rage that this review is liable to turn into a venomous , uncontrollable rant , obligations damned . 
however , protocol forces me to do otherwise . 
soul survivors tells the story of four college-bound friends : cassandra ( melissa sagemiller ) is sweet and innocent . 
party girl annabel ( eliza dushku of bring it on ) is dating world-weary harvard student matt ( wes bentley ) . 
matt still has feelings for cassie , who is now dating sean ( casey affleck ) . 
driving back from a creepy , gothic party , the quartet gets into a horrific car crash . 
sean dies , leaving cassie crestfallen and guilty , made worse because sean saw matt kiss cassie just minutes after sean revealed his love for her . 
as cassie mopes through her classes , she sees the ghost of sean all over the place , urging her to follow him . 
along with being plagued by other ghastly visions , cassie is also followed by thugs from that strange party . 
annabel and matt try calming her down , but no one shares cass's visions . 
she has to figure out this purgatory all by herself . 
rarely have i seen a director so thoroughly mishandle material . 
in his directorial debut , steve carpenter does nothing to provoke the audience into feeling any emotion . 
when the movie's camerawork isn't pedestrian , it's clich ? d . 
carpenter's need for close-ups , his camera following sagemiller from behind , drain the movie of any anticipation . 
we already know what to look for , so why should we be surprised ? 
and the sense of scary atmosphere , which was recently done so well in the others , is nowhere to be found here . 
carpenter's script relies on random twists and turns with a minimum of logic and loads of laziness . 
this is a movie where the ending features one character providing an explanation about the plot to another character , which is one of the lamest screenwriting devices around . 
the second lamest device , of course , is the , " oh , it was all a dream " resolution . 
and guess what ? 
this movie has both ! 
not that the main body of the film , which has sagemiller constantly running in fear or having a nervous breakdown , is anything worthwhile . 
since there's no captivating dialogue , no character chemistry exists anywhere . 
that's a huge problem , since the four main characters are supposed to be couples . 
carpenter can't even get the smutty scenes right , which are becoming more prevalent in pg-13 movies like bring it on and get over it . 
[the film was recently re-cut from an r rating to get more kids in the seats . 
-ed . ] 
when sagemiller and dushku dance together at a club , he rarely shows them in a full shot and he never keeps the camera on them for longer than a second before relating to some michael bay-style quick cuts . 
and when sagemiller and dushku take a shower together after getting covered in paint , they're fully clothed . 
regardless , any sexiness in that scene is undercut by its stupidity . 
why wouldn't they wash the clothes in the sink or in the washing machine ? 
why would they shower in their clothes ? 
what if they weren't covered in latex paint ? 
the cast , which will see better material in the future , would be wise to leave this one off their resumes . 
i felt sorry for affleck , who i've liked in other movies , and bentley , who was great in american beauty . 
dushku , who possesses an alluring femme fetale quality , has got to stop taking roles belonging to rose mcgowan . 
as for sagemiller ( star of the aforementioned get over it ) , i want to see her in a movie where she plays a person , and not an object for gawking . 
and i'm not even getting into luke wilson's role as a priest . 
at least he's friends with wes anderson . 
bottom line : soul survivors is so awful i feel compelled to knock on doors and warn people about it . 
