godzilla is the ultimate culmination of the " who cares about plot " summer movie . 
a loose remake of the 1954 " classic " japanese monster movie , godzilla , king of the monsters ( which is itself pretty thin in the story department ) , roland emmerich and dean devlin's big-budget lizard-stomps-manhattan disaster flick has been written with the brain dead in mind . 
the script isn't just " dumbed down , " it's lobotomized . 
godzilla lives and dies on special effects alone . 
presumably , the primary target group for this film is teenage boys , the demographic most likely to shell out $7 repeatedly to see the same images of monster-instigated carnage . 
that's not to say that females and other age groups are immune to the special effects seduction ; they're just not as readily susceptible . 
this is the third straight movie in a row where emmerich and devlin have demonstrated that a mastery of computer-generated visuals is far more important for making money than the ability to write and direct for actors . 
stargate was a financial success . 
independence day was a runaway hit . 
and , with godzilla already drowning in hype and merchandising tie-ins before it even opens , it's virtually guaranteed at least $100 million . 
nice numbers for a film that could have been penned by a not-too-precocious grade school kid . 
godzilla isn't completely without merit , although it is close . 
there's a certain visceral thrill inherent in watching the giant lizard rip his way through manhattan , but it wears off quickly . 
frankly , while the special effects are competent , they're not all that stunning . 
there's nothing new here ; it's jurassic park meets aliens , with a little independence day thrown in for bad measure . 
maybe it will require george lucas and his new star wars movie to take computer-generated visuals to the next level . 
godzilla never really pushes the envelope , preferring to remain within a comfort zone . 
the imagination of monster movies like king kong has been replaced by a crass , formulaic approach which disallows creativity . 
 ( how disturbing is it to know that godzilla has been chosen to close the 51st cannes film festival ? ) 
worst of all , godzilla isn't even exciting . 
with the possible exception of a mildly enjoyable car chase near the end , there isn't a sequence in this film that raises the pulse . 
even the scenes with dozens of aircraft attacking the monster are so devoid of tension and suspense that they are yawn-provoking . 
independence day may have been dumb , but it was full of " adrenaline moments " capable of getting the audience involved in the action . 
in this aspect of its production , as in so many others , godzilla is lacking . 
actually , part of the problem is that we're never sure who we're supposed to be rooting for : the green monster with an attitude or the paper-thin humans trying to stop him . 
the plot , such as it is , can be summed up rather simply . 
after sinking a few ships and leaving some footprints on tropical islands , godzilla shows up in the big apple . 
he does some of the usual tourist things : stops by madison square garden , visits the chrysler building , goes on a walk through central park , and takes the subway . 
in the process , he knocks over a few buildings and steps on countless cabs , but he never has trouble with traffic jams . 
on hand to stop him is an elite u . s . army unit , led by a slightly less-arrogant-than-usual military man ( kevin dunn ) and a biologist named nick tatopoulos , who has a theory about godzilla . 
in his opinion , the big guy is actually a lizard grown to enormous proportions as a result of the radiation given off by french atomic bomb tests in the south pacific . 
in nick's words , godzilla is " a mutated aberration ? an incipient creature ? the first of its kind . " 
as luck would have it , nick's old girlfriend , audrey ( maria pitillo ) , is a reporter based at a new york tv station . 
along with her cameraman friend , animal ( hank azaria ) , she decides to follow nick around as he trails godzilla . 
then , just when the military has rejected nick's theory about why godzilla is in new york , a member of the french secret service ( jean reno ) recruits him for a special assignment . 
instead of stomping around tokyo this time , godzilla has chosen new york city . 
unfortunately , manhattan has been destroyed so many times in recent disaster movies ( independence day , deep impact , armageddon ) that it's becoming boring . 
the whole tradition of monsters roaming around the city started with king kong , but the big ape was only about 30 feet tall . 
he could climb the empire state building . 
at ten times that height , godzilla would be more likely to knock it over . 
godzilla contains a few lame attempts at humor . 
there's an ongoing feud between animal and his wife that plays like sit-com material , an unfunny and repetitive gag about how no one can pronounce nick's last name properly , and a rather tame attack on film critics roger ebert and gene siskel . 
both of the popular personalities have alter egos in the film : " ebert , " the mayor of new york , is played by michael lerner , and " gene " ( lorry goldman ) is his campaign manager . 
ebert's re-election slogan is , not surprisingly , " thumbs up for new york . " 
the siskel/ebert stuff is amusing the first time it's used , but , after a while , it grows tiresome . 
and , although the " characters " don't serve any real purpose , they keep popping up . 
godzilla is saddled with an unimpressive cast . 
this is largely because emmerich doesn't want to risk a human performance upstaging his lizard . 
that's not to say that matthew broderick and jean reno aren't capable of good performances ( both have done their share of solid acting in the past ) , but they aren't a-list names . 
then again , considering the quality of the writing , even pacino and deniro would have been hard- pressed to shine . 
maria pitillo ( dear god ) plays the love interest and hank azaria ( great expectations ) is on hand to present what is supposed to be comic relief . 
ultimately , it doesn't really matter what i ( or any other critic , for that matter ) have to say about the movie . 
tristar has assumed that godzilla , like all self-proclaimed summer event motion pictures , is pretty much critic-proof . 
it may also be word-of-mouth-proof . 
those who want to see the movie will see it no matter what i write or their friends say . 
so , when i go on record to assert that godzilla is one of the most idiotic blockbuster movies of all time , it's like spitting into the wind . 
emmerich and devlin are master illusionists , waving their wands and mesmerizing audiences with their smoke and mirrors . 
it's probably too much to hope that some day , movie-goers will wake up and realize that they've been had . 
