how could a g-rated disney film based on meg cabot's novel " the princess diaries " be anything but cute , harmless fun ? 
easy . 
take all the cute , harmless fun out of it . 
and while you're at it make it borrr-ring . 
that's what director garry marshall , screenwriter gina wendkos and , not to be outdone , producer whitney houston have done with the g-rated disney film " the princess diaries . " 
you couldn't tell it from the audience though , a braintree , mass . of growing , glowing pre-pubescent girls ( and the odd parental , popcorn perched about their persons ) , who positively cheered when the end credits rolled ( ah the film had struck a lovely nerve with them but not with fuddy-duddy old me ) . 
well , i might have cheered that the utter tripe was now well and truly over , but that would have been too obvious . 
too obvious is the least of the problems with marshall's film ( garry made a couple of other " princess " movies-- " pretty woman " and " runaway bride " --but this one's way without julia roberts so maybe * that's * its problem ) . 
in addition to being predictable as molasses , " the princess diaries " has hardly got a laugh in it ( it's a comedy ) , could bore the pants off an abyssinian for long , long stretches , and is so sloppily edited the principals refer to scenes we haven't even seen yet ( and probably never will except , perhaps , in the dvd edition ) . 
marshall should take virtually all of the blame here , since he's been at this for some time and should know when a scene or two isn't working . . . 
and hardly * any * of " the princess diaries " works ( " works , " alas , implies cleverness and there's none of that here either ) . 
newcomer anne hathaway stars as mia thermopolis , a bright but socially invisible san franciscan teen who learns that her single mom ( a wacky artist played by the likable caroline goodall ) had a bit of a fling with some royal member of some miniscule european country nobody ever heard of ( the filmmakers go out of their way * not * to call it serbia , which is pretty much what all miniscule european countries are called in the movies mark my words ) and now she , mia , is next in line to rule " genovia " ( hence the headphones/tiara combo in the print ads ) . 
julie andrews , with the luminous factor cranked to 11 , plays mia's grandmother ( aka queen clarisse renaldi ) , who shows up out of the royal blue and lends mia much advice and direction in the eating , talking , and looking like a princess department ( although mia's big makeover simply transforms her from ugly duckling to ugly swan ) . 
does queen julie lose her dignity for the sake of a good laugh ? 
not really . 
consuming a corn dog is about the worst that it gets . 
also on stereotypical hand are a brainless jock , an evil cheerleader , a dorky-looking best friend ( " welcome to the dollhouse " 's heather matarazzo ) , a sensitive auto mechanic/musician , and marshall mainstay hector elizondo as joe the driver , imparting wit and wisdom from the front seat of mia's chauffeur-driven limousine at every intersection . 
a non-animated g-rated movie is a rarity these days but the rating here reflects the fact that all the guts , all the good stuff , has been exorcised from the finished product . 
lame , labored , and lamentable , " the princess diaries " is recommended for eight-and-a-half year olds of the feminine persuasion * only * ; all others would do well to avoid it ( like potholes , the plague , and " the perfect storm " ) . 
