bad . bad . 
bad . 
that one word seems to pretty much sums up beyond the valley of the dolls . 
if that summary isn't enough for you , how about t&a , t&a , t&a ? 
still haven't got the point ? 
other than director russ meyer's predilection for casting attractive large breasted women who ultimately expose the afore-mentioned anatomical areas , there is really only one other reason to recommend even taking a look at this movie . 
that is the fact that it was co-written by famed film critic roger ebert , who also was responsible for the screenplay . 
after watching this movie you will never be able to sit through another one of his reviews where he gives a movie a thumbs down for bad writing with a straight face . 
this movie stinks out loud . 
quite frankly , this movie deserves a . 
but there are parts of it that are so bad they are almost funny . 
so i'm giving it a . 
and maybe that is too generous . 
right from the opening credits , i knew that i had a class-a bomb on my hands . 
not only are the way the credits actually shot distracting , but the first scene you see includes a big breasted young woman being chased by a guy in a nazi uniform . 
i had absolutely no idea why the hell that was happening ( it does get explained later ) and as soon as the first scene is over , we cut to a completely unrelated scene . 
to be honest , as i sat through this movie mesmerized by just how incredibly awful it was , i actually forgot about the seemingly out of place opening until it popped up again later in the film . 
with the quality of the writing during the rest of the film , it wouldn't have surprised me if the opening had never been explained . 
so what is this movie about ? 
you ask . 
like it really matters . 
ok , here goes . 
this all-girl band headed by kelly macnamara ( dolly reed ) and her friends go to hollywood to try to gain a foothold in the music industry . 
once there , they do manage to find success ( due as much to their hooters as anything else ? it sure wasn't for their brutally bad singing voices ) , and the movie chronicles how their lives change for the worse as the pressures of fame get to them . 
everything from big egos , to booze and drugs to free flowing sex sends them on a downward spiral . 
there are a couple of other idiotic subplots thrown in for good measure , but the fame is the one that pretty much sums up this thing . 
>from a creative standpoint there is nothing redeeming here . 
other than the above-mentioned obsession with big knockers that russ meyer seemed to have . 
the dialogue is so incredibly bad that it literally is funny in parts . 
mr . ebert has generously thrown in helpings of " hey man " , " dig " and my all time favorite -- " this is my happening , and it freaks me out " . 
now i ask you , with lines like that how can you go wrong ? 
ebert had tried to inject as many big words as possible into the dialogue . 
maybe he thought it would make the movie seem smarter . 
i don't know , but all the big words in the world wouldn't be able to disguise the bad writing and even worse acting . 
but the wretched dialogue goes along well with the wretched quality of everything else in this movie . 
i've seen home movies directed better than meyer managed with this turkey . 
in fact , there is one scene -- the one in which they are in a van driving to hollywood to make their fortunes -- during which i really had to question if meyer or his editors had just suffered serious head injuries . 
add to the directing and writing the music in this movie . 
i almost got up to check my sound system to see if it was broken , there was such a pile of crap emanating from the speakers . 
then we have the cast . 
first lets start david gurian who played harris , the manager of the band . 
this has got to be the goofiest looking guy that has ever set foot in front of a motion picture camera . 
sadly , his acting doesn't come close to making up for his looks . 
if you have been following along up to this point , this shouldn't surprise you . 
meyer's stable of well endowed girls also have the benefit of being fairly attractive to go along with their other assets . 
dolly reed plays kelly , the leader of the band . 
and no surprise here , she was cast for her cup size , not her talents . 
and yes , she does loose the shirt a few times and display her impressive talents . 
sadly , her ass is almost as large as her chest . 
hey , it a sexist movie , so i'm writing a sexist review . 
then we have former playboy playmate cynthia myers in a fairly small role as casey , one of the other band members . 
this goes along with the rest of the idiotic thinking in the movie . 
meyer casts a gorgeous playmate with a rack to kill for and who obviously has no acting talent at all , but her nude scenes are the biggest disappointment of all . 
sure russ , now is the time to get artsy and throw in some well placed shadows . 
on the up side , she does have a fun lesbo scene . 
i sound like i'm writing a review in a porn magazine . 
but hey , i'll admit it ; the only reason that i actually managed to sit through this damn movie was to catch a look at cynthia myers naked . 
and since that was a huge disappointment , i pretty much wasted two hours of my life on this turkey . 
the only thing that i can say about this movie is that you should stay away from it . 
unless of course you want to feel good about yourself by knowing that even a pulitzer prize winning film critic like roger ebert has screwed up at least once in his life too . 
and if you are thinking of checking it out for the double d's -- you are better off just downloading nude cynthia myers pictures off the internet . 
this is a movie that should be avoided at all costs . 
an even better idea might be to require video stores to place a warning on the box of beyond the valley of the dolls -- beware : this movie is extremely hazardous to your common sense . 
proceed with extreme caution . 
