59 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
59 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
synopsis : a humorless police officer's life changes when he befriends a super-smart , super-adorable golden retriever named einstein and a cute , young blond scientist .
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unfortunately , einstein shares a psychic link with a bigfoot-sized ape-creature trained by the blond scientist to be an unstoppable killing machine , and this rogaine-nightmare is loose and after the dog and the girl .
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meanwhile , a group of white , chain-smoking , gun-toting nsa agents in sunglasses and business suits tries to kill all the other characters in the movie .
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comments : watchers reborn , a cheaply made direct-to-video turkey , is the fourth sequel to the first film version of dean koontz's bestselling novel watchers .
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technically , this should have been called watchers v , but it seems that this cycle of horror movies , much like many other sequel-crazy film series , has decided to drop the numbers from the titles .
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( even the star trek movies dropped the numbers from their titles after star trek vi . )
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the makers of watchers reborn probably want to fool unsuspecting video rental customers into thinking this might be a good movie instead of a crappy fifth installment of a film series which should have died a long time ago .
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this really isn't a good movie .
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have you ever rented a movie and recieved a sinking feeling about it when you watched the previews preceding the feature presentation ?
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well , any hope a viewer may have had , perhaps because he is a fan of novelist dean koontz or actor mark hamill , will be dashed by the time he's seen the trailers tagged on before the beginning of watchers reborn .
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they're awful .
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these commercials cover films like a strange stripper movie called shadow dancer , some weird crap about a dead indian , teens , and wolves , and an " action " movie called detonator starring scott baio .
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scott baio !
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what idiot dreamed this movie up ?
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after surviving these abysmal trailers , the person finally gets to watch the movie he rented : watchers reborn .
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" maybe it won't be * that * bad " he may say to himself .
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" perhaps , just perhaps , the bottom-of-the-barrel film fluff advertised before it is greatly misleading .
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watchers reborn , after all , is based on that cool book dean koontz wrote a decade ago .
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it stars mark hamill -- luke skywalker himself from that terrific star wars trilogy .
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lou rawls is even in the mix ! "
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unfortunately , the force is certainly no longer with mark hamill ( he looks very sick here ) , and this movie shares only basic plot elements with watchers , the book .
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the latter is really too bad .
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koontz is a hack writer producing way too many thrillers for his own good , but he is still my favorite hack writer .
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koontz has a writing style which is succinct and suspenseful .
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people who read many of his books , however , often complain of repetitive plot devices .
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it's definately not a koontz book if there isn't ( 1 ) a psychic , ( 2 ) a super-intelligent dog , or ( 3 ) a psychotic killer who likes ripping out people's eyeballs .
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watchers has all three devices , which may explain why it's arguably the most popular of koontz's books .
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the idea behind koontz's novel , though highly implausible , is very interesting .
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basically , a biological war machine is created : a smart dog can be released in battle , track down its target , and then relay the target's position , psychically , to a large creature designed to kill in hand-to-hand combat .
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silly but kind of neat too .
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i'm sorry .
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i don't mean to ramble on about matters not directly linked to watchers reborn , the movie .
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i suppose i just don't want to talk about the movie itself .
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this turkey is really cheesy .
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no one in this movie can act , including mark hamill , and it's difficult seeing the aged luke skywalker stumble around trying to be the hero .
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the cheese factor is only increased when he's involved in an implied sex scene with the blond biologist / geneticist / zoologist / whatever-the-f * * k-she's-supposed-to-be whom he befriends .
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mercifully , the filmmakers opted not to do nudity .
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to be honest , the only half-convincing actor in the film is the golden retriever who plays einstein .
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you know a movie is bad when a dog outacts all of its human counterparts .
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i find it difficult to relate how laughable the action sequences are in this movie .
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and the creature !
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yes , the creature out after poor einstein is some guy in a furry suit and a mask which poorly imitates the werewolves in the howling .
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this creature is shot about 500 , 000 times , but it's okay .
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the creature has the ability to kill people by swinging his arms around and pushing .
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oh , he can also rip body parts off , allowing for many scenes of fake hands and arms being thrown around .
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cheesy gore .
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that's another main element of watchers reborn .
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it has many bloody scenes which are thoroughly unconvincing and only increase the film's campiness rather than its suspense .
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ultimately , i gave watchers reborn a star and a half because bad horror / sci-fi film buffs may get a few kicks out of the film's silliness ( though this film will tax even their patience -- it's an 83 minute film , but it feels like four hours ) .
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also , i hate to admit , i have survived far worse than this .
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anyone who has sat through the christopher lambert and natasha henstridge debacle known as adrenalin : fear the rush will know what i mean .
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finally , i couldn't help but think that watchers reborn would work well as " bot fodder " for the creative folks behind one of my all-time favorite shows , " mystery science theater 3000 . "
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this thought alone helped me survive watchers reborn with a smile on my face .
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rated r , watchers reborn contains dozens of blood-spattered bodies and unconvincing gore .
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it also has violence , obviously .
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i wouldn't recommend it for the little kids , but i'm sure even young teens would make it through this movie okay .
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instead of watching this film , however , i recommend reading koontz's book .
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trust me , it'll be time much , much better spent .
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