71 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
71 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
godzilla is a nuclear freak .
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he is a lizard that has been mutated over the years and has become a new species , one that has a foot as long as this bus , and a claw as long as this sign .
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this aquatic creature made its first attack in the pacific islands .
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he tore up a ship that carried dozens of japanese men .
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one survived .
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only he was left to recount the terror that he had seen .
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he was merely able to repeat the words " godzilla . . . godzilla . . . godzilla " .
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the film then introduces us to matthew broderick , a biologist who has been studying the fascinating growth of chernobyl earthworms .
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" they're 17% larger than they used to be ! " he proclaims .
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the u . s . military pulls him off this three year project and assigns him to figure out what godzilla is .
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and , boy , does he find out .
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and , boy , does godzilla suck .
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i hate to use such a word in a review , something that is supposed to inform my audience , but i really need to drive this one home and i refuse to use explitives .
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it is unbelieveable to me how the producers of this movie saw the final cut and said , " ok !
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it's great !
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let's show this puppy . "
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roland emmerich needs a good horse whipping .
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his latest piece of trash makes id4 look like a masterpiece of modern american cinema .
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and if steven spielberg had never made the jurassic park films , emmerich and his team of talent-challenged imbeciles would never have had a clue as to how the creature should look .
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let me give you a few examples of this terrible attempt at filmmaking .
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i plan on giving some things away here .
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belive me , godzilla holds no surprises for anyone with an iq higher than their shoe size , so . . . no
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worries .
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however , if you are looking for that " first time thrill " and you refuse to let me do you this favor , by all means , stop reading now .
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a . ) godzilla makes his first ever attack in the pacific islands .
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he next strikes in new york city .
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um . . . anyone have a map handy ?
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b . ) the mayor of new york city is a heavy set individual with parted gray hair and thick glasses .
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his name is mayor ebert .
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his assistant is named gene .
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gene gives ebert a thumbs down at the end of the film .
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i couldn't make this up if i tried , folks .
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c . ) stay with me on this one . . .
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ok .
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godzilla can out run torpedoes .
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hank azaria can out run godzilla babies .
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( which look more like jurassic park raptors than the jurassic park raptors . )
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d . ) the u . s . military , upon realization that godzilla has disappeared after running rampant through the city , decides that he " might be hiding in a building . "
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e . ) ( oh yeah , i can go all the way to e . ) godzilla strikes at manhattan .
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manhattan , an island approximately the size of san francisco holds three million people .
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they evactuate to new jersey in about one day .
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no problem .
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f . ) early on , they bait godzilla with fish .
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( he likes fish , you know . )
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the thing is on an island .
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the atlantic ocean is three steps east , but pile a whole bunch of grouper on fifth and 57th . . . oh
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he's gonna come running .
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g . ) you know what ?
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i'll stop with the list now . . . the
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alphabet isn't big enough anyway .
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the dialogue makes me wonder if producer dean devlin had his five year old do a re-write .
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" the kid is good ! " he must have said .
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maria pitillo is looking to become a name in hollywood by starring in this potential blockbuster .
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bad move , maria .
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acting doesn't get much worse than her turn as broderick's ex-flame .
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matthew broderick is a good actor , but you'd never give him a chance if godzilla were the only film of his you'd seen .
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jean reno needs to pick his american films a bit more carefully .
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at times , godzilla seems to be headed toward a zucker , abrahams , zucker film .
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( airplane ! , naked gun . )
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the jokes are indeed that bad .
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but just when you think the filmmakers are having fun with you , they take themselves seriously .
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how dare they !
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godzilla would have been better if it had only thrown in visual sight gags and fart jokes .
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at least then we would know we were supposed to laugh .
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each and every character in godzilla is beyond stupid and i was really pulling for the beast to kill more of them .
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emmerich did do one thing , though .
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( and i've no idea if it was intentional . )
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he made me sympathize with godzilla .
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his attackers were so damn dumb that i felt sorry for him being pelted with bullets and missles .
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but what made me feel even sorrier for him was that his famous name will always be attatched to one of the worst films hollywood has ever produced .
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