60 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
60 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
it happens every year -- the days get longer , the weather gets warmer and the studios start releasing their big-budget blockbusters .
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this year's crop already seems inferior to that of past summers , even 1997's lackluster trio of batman & robin , the fifth element and the lost world .
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the marketing blitz in 1998 has been centered on godzilla ( " heeere , lee-zerd , lee-zerd . . . " ) , which doesn't make me optimistic about future summers .
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godzilla is , of course , based on a series of cult movies ( translation : really bad movies only a few people can tolerate ) from japan that turn up really late at night on ted turner-owned cable stations .
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that this big-budget remake won't rise above its roots is fairly obvious .
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the credits show us the origin of godzilla .
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in five words : nuclear explosion creates giant lizard .
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sounds like an enquirer headline , doesn't it ?
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the mushroom cloud is followed by the inevitable " discovery " sequence .
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this time , a japanese guy is eating noodles with chopsticks while watching sumo wrestling ( if that ain't a stereotype . . . )
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when he discovers the telltale radar blip .
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people die .
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cut to our protagonist , played by matthew broderick .
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he makes his first appearance wearing headphones , warbling along to " singin' in the rain . "
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it's a none-too-subtle sign that he wishes he were in a classier movie .
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no dice , bueller .
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from the beginning , poor matthew has to do embarassing things like fondle giant earthworms and stand in godzilla's enormous footprint .
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every disaster movie has to have a know-it-all scientist , and this time broderick is it .
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as the world's leading expert on radiated earthworms ( and wouldn't you love to have that printed on your business card ? ) ,
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broderick is invaluable to the government .
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he immediately dispels vicki lewis' theory that godzilla is a dinosaur because , hey , you can't take seriously the intellectual arguments of " newsradio " cast members .
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broderick instead hits the nail on the head , announcing godzilla is a radiated lizard .
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" the radiation isn't an anamoly , " he announces , and lightning strikes .
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" i believe this is a mutated abberation , " he continues , and lightning strikes again .
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it's vocabulary lightning , you see , activated by words of four syllables or more .
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meanwhile , we're introduced to our new york cast , headed by an ambitious broadcast journalist ( maria patillo ) , broderick's former love .
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gee , what are the odds their paths will cross again at a dramatically important time ?
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poor patillo has been trying to get ahead in the news business for years but has been held down by heartless anchorman harry shearer .
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italian cameraman hank azaria tells her she's not ruthless enough : " nice doesn't get you anywhere in this town .
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it's dog eat dog . "
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actually , it's lizard eat city , as godzilla emerges from the atlantic to begin a rampage on the big apple's core .
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the filmmakers provide us with a one-note drunk fisherman who hooks godzilla .
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" i think i've got a bite , " he announces as a gigantic tidal wave begins rushing toward him .
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you can guess what happens next .
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similar reactions spring forth as the monster prowls the city .
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hearing the rumble of approaching footsteps , one new yorker remarks , " please don't tell me that's another parade . "
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please don't tell me that's the best line you could come up with .
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mayor ebert is not pleased .
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played by the principal from " head of the class , " he continually makes the wrong decision when given an option , and bickers with his assistant gene .
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i guess the filmmakers knew they'd be getting two thumbs down from the critics and didn't even bother to kiss ass .
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the problem is , if you're going to attack siskel and ebert , you should at least make it funny .
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dialogue like , " didn't we agree that we weren't going to have any sweets until after the election ? "
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followed by , " back off , gene , " just doesn't work for me .
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other lame running jokes include everyone mispronouncing the broderick character's last name and frenchman jean reno's inability to find a good cup of coffee in new york .
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there's even more fun to be had as godzilla progresses .
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as the beast heads back into hiding , broderick suggests the military lure it out with food .
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cue twelve dump trucks , all dropping fish into a new york intersection .
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( broderick : that's a lot of fish . )
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that ambush fails , but broderick soon figures out why godzilla came to new york by buying $50 worth of home pregnancy tests and running lizard blood through them .
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yep , godzilla's with children , which makes you wonder just what kind of creature would be horny enough to have sex with godzilla .
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that's until broderick explains that godzilla reproduces asexually , like linda tripp .
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godzilla comes to us from the makers of independence day , so it has a lot of dumb action scenes , destructive special effects and shallow subplots .
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look no further than patillo's betrayal of broderick ( patillo : what have i done , animal ?
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what have i become ? ) and the climactic " godzilla's nest " sequence in madison square garden .
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the main difference is , independence day was about the experience .
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it had a real global , patriotic element to it , and some genuinely fun characters .
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godzilla has lots of rain and lightning , reptilian action ripped off from jurassic park and endless product placement from the likes of kodak , blockbuster , juicy fruit , swatch , sprint and bumble bee tuna .
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yes , bumble bee actually paid to be known as the official tuna of godzilla .
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that fact alone is twice as interesting as anything in the movie .
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