23 lines
2.6 KiB
Plaintext
23 lines
2.6 KiB
Plaintext
_soldier_ is hands down one of the worst movies a person could ever have to sit through that doesn't have jean claude van damme in it .
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i could liken it to the sci-fi cheese that was the hollywood product-of-choice back in the early 80s , but that would be too much of a compliment .
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if there is a movie theater in hell , this film is playing there 24 hours a day .
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the story , such that there is , revolves around todd ( kurt russell ) , an automaton of a man who has been raised from birth to be a merciless soldier in a not-too-distant ultra-conservative future ( is there any other kind ? )
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after years of desensitization at a military academy full of other boys just like him , todd becomes a ground fighter in a series of wars all over the galaxy .
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who the enemies in these wars are is never revealed , but the few glimpses of todd in battle show that it doesn't matter , because innocent hostages are wiped out as indifferently as the bad guys .
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after ten minutes of this nihilistic trash -- yes folks , there's more -- we see todd as a buff , scarred adult , now so accustomed to the carnage that no confrontation at all causes him to break a sweat .
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there's a new wrinkle , though .
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todd and his brethren are declared obsolete , and a new batch of soldiers takes their place .
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after losing a sanctioned battle with _dragon_'s jason scott lee , the seemingly dead todd is dumped by a flying ice-cube tray ( well , that's what is looked like ) on a remote garbage planet .
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if you predict that todd meets a bunch of outcast settlers on this planet , and that they band together to fight a bunch of bad guys coming to destroy them , you're way ahead of the game .
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the renegade society on this trash heap is so clich you half-expect tina turner and master blaster to come strolling into frame any minute .
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it's surprising that _soldier_ is the brain-child of _blade runner_ co-writer david webb peoples .
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unlike that mind-twisting classic , this film contains just barely enough dialogue to fill about three double-spaced pages .
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add into the mix the _mortal kombat_'s paul anderson inept direction , and it's easy to see how _soldier_ turned out so bad .
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and the special effects !
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remember the flying steam irons in hardware wars ?
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gary busey is in this movie .
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'nuff said .
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_soldier_ is proof that hollywood still has plenty of bad ideas sitting in its script vaults .
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that this sad film made it to the silver screen should encourage plenty of aspiring screenwriters out there that there is hope after all .
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now if you'll excuse me , i have to go weep for the future .
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