35 lines
3.6 KiB
Plaintext
35 lines
3.6 KiB
Plaintext
i'm really starting to wonder about alicia silverstone .
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sure , she is one of the most beautiful creatures on god's green earth ( second only to that movie critic at large guy ) , but when it comes to choosing what movies she stars in , she always strikes out .
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the crush was a slow-moving , predictable piece of fluff .
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hideaway was a horrific novel adaptation alicia had only a minor role in .
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clueless was an annoying , unfunny waste of time .
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and people have e-mailed me too , saying clueless is a good movie and that i'm the only one who doesn't like it .
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one girl said if i'd seen the movie with " an open mind , " i would have enjoyed it .
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nothing could be further from the truth .
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i went into the theater expecting to love the movie .
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the preview looked good and of course i'm crazymadinlove with alicia , but the movie was a bunch of bad jokes coming from whiny , unlikable characters .
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almost everyone i saw the movie with felt the same way .
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when we were walking out of the theater , one guy ( and it wasn't me ) yelled out , " that was the worst f$&#in' movie i've ever seen " and the rest of us had to laugh in agreement .
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so last night i walked into the video store and saw alicia's pretty face on the cover of some made-for-video thriller called the babysitter .
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i knew it would be bad but some inner compulsion i'll probably never understand made me rent it anyway .
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what i got was 90 minutes of regret--the worst alicia silverstone movie ever .
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and you already know from the last paragraph what the competition is like .
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where to begin in criticizing this movie ?
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the plot is a thin shred that moves slower than a glacier , the writing could have been done ( and for all we know it was ) by a ten year old , alicia is the star and she's still wasted in a movie that has no appeal whatsoever .
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there is zero humor , zero suspense , zero drama and zero action , until the last ten minutes , when the story is needlessly and pointlessly concluded with a violent sequence .
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zero plus zero plus zero plus zero equals zero .
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so why does this movie get one star out of me ?
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well , alicia spends twenty minutes of the movie in the bathtub .
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and if it wasn't bubble bath , the babysitter would have instantly joined the ranks of our other four- star features , but you settle for what you can get .
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alicia plays a babysitter who's spending friday night looking after two kids whose parents are out getting drunk at a cocktail party .
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and of course anyone as beautiful as alicia automatically spends their friday nights at home ( at least that movie critic at large guy does ) .
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as the movie trods along , we discover she's not only the mostly-silent star of the movie but also the object of every male character's fantasies ( and probably every male viewer's too ) .
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the drunken father thinks she's just the thing to recapture his lost youth , her boyfriend lets his imagination run wild while spying on alicia from outside , even the prepubescent boy looks in on alicia through the bathroom keyhole while she's taking her bubble bath .
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they even throw in the middle aged wife's fantasies about a male counterpart at the party .
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not that any of us asked or ever even thought about seeing this 200+ pound woman in a black silk teddy .
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at least none of the sex fanatasies ever leave the realm of the pg-rated .
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in fact , i could imagine the babysitter becoming a cinemax late-night staple if not for the fact that there's absolutely no nudity in it .
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so you can't call it a sex flick .
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i've already pointed out that it can't fall under drama , comedy , thriller or action , so what do you classify the babysitter as ?
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bad .
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