31 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
31 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
there are two things the american film industry should avoid at all costs .
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one is letting an ambitious actor convert one of his or her favorite novels into a feature film .
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two is never greenlight a sci-fi film starring john travolta .
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to wit , we present the disaster that is battlefield earth .
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a science-fiction opus starring the barbarino of the actors guild , battlefield earth should be shown only at maximum-security prisons when a prisoner is tossed in solitary for bad behavior .
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sci-fi is always a tricky beast : tight script , a good director , an ensemble cast of decent actors , and the ability to suspend even the most difficult of disbeliefs .
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battlefield earth fails at achieving even one of these attributes .
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here's the `plot . '
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the year is 3000 .
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mankind has been become an endangered species thanks to the conquest of a race of aliens called the psychlos ( sounds like either the latest clown act from cirque de soleil or a white rap group ) .
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a small band of humans dwell in radioactive caves located in the rockies in fear of the `demons' who dwell in the cities below .
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the psychlos are strip-mining the earth for its resources and terel , played by travolta , is the head of security for the mining/slave base located in denver .
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a young rogue named jonnie goodboy tyler , played with dramatic flair by barry pepper , ventures from the safety of the caves into the city to uncover the truth about the `demons . '
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he is promptly captured and taken to the alien base .
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after several attempts at escape , johnnie is placed in the middle of an underhanded subplot of terel's , involving circumventing gold from an exposed vein in the rockies to his own end .
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jonnie , assumed leader of the mining slave group , then manages to attain all psychlo and human intelligence through a learning machine terel forces him to use .
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then the story just runs along until jonnie teaches the rest of the humans the basics of trigonometry , the bill of rights , how to use a machine gun , and how to fly a harrier jet .
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the whole mess concludes with a big , loud , obnoxious gun-and-plane battle that had me praying for the end credits .
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roger christian , the director of this lumbering beast , must have rented dune , blade runner , planet of the apes , independence day , stargate , beastmaster , the airwolf episodes , the `v' miniseries , the matrix , and the omega man . . .
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and decided to steal every scene he could for battlefield earth .
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christian even shoots every scene in a weird dutch angle titled left or right for every frame of the movie !
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and every scene in the movie ends with a middle wipe -- really .
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the psychlos reminded me of a cross between jamaican basketball players with bad teeth and bloated hands and klingon extras working the star trek convention circuit .
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travolta's acting hasn't been this bad since the experts or maybe perfect .
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jonnie goodboy tyler evolves into william wallace with lines like `you can have your freedom if you fight ! '
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then there's the script : the film just never convinces you that the plight of jonnie in teaching his fellow humans to fight and `take back the planet' would be a difficult task to achieve .
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why ?
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because terel provides all the necessary tools to incite a revolt -- for no particular reason beside the fact that `humans are stupid . '
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terel may be right , you know .
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humans made this movie .
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