49 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
49 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
hello kids .
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today the movie studios want to take over my critical review , and somehow persuade you that _armageddon_ , the summer's biggest blockbuster , is a film for everybody .
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and remember , if a film is for _everybody_ , and if it makes the most money for the summer , it _must_ be good , right ?
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armageddon is a comedy , with a capital " c " .
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it stars bruce willis , who has a hundred one-liners !
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it has a tiny rock land directly in the middle of a heated argument in new york city ! !
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and , chuckle , chuckle , one of those new yorkers , _survives_ , with charcoal all over his face ! !
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snorkle , * sniff * , hiccup .
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and it has steve buscemi as a _genius_ who wants to work for an oil rig ?
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knee-slap ! !
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isn't this just so , so , funny ! ?
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armageddon also has romance , with a capital " r " .
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it has a tender moment between * forbidden lovers * ben affleck and liv tyler , with , with , animal crackers !
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and it has will patton as a long lost husband trying to reunite with his separated wife and child , who thinks he's a salesman !
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gurgle , * sniff * , awwwww .
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and it has steve buscemi spewing more one-liners about minors and strippers .
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umm , moving right along . . .
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armageddon also has lots of action , with a capital " a " .
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not just any action sequence would do .
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it must have _original_ action sequences that are designed to thrill .
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like , drill , darn it , drill ! ! !
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and , let's have inept people destroy the mir space station ! !
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can't you hear your heart beating ! ?
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and steve buscemi goes crazy and starts shooting at people ! !
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what drama ! !
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lastly , armageddon is out there to save the planet , with a capital " p " .
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this can't be any old thriller--we must have an asteroid , the size of texas head straight for earth ! !
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and , and , we must have beautiful scenic worldwide shots , like paris , blown up .
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and , and , we must have peoples of all colors , nations , and religions , join hand in hand for one final , hopeful , hug .
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the final sequence , where muslims in prostrate worship stand up--in domino fashion--to cheer the victory , filled me with such emotional goo that i wanted to , to , to rip the screen into shreds ! !
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i mean , i mean , cheer for ecstatic joy !
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( it was over ) .
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comedy . " c " .
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romance .
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" r " .
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action .
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" a " .
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planet .
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" p " .
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okay , kids , what does that spell ?
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seriously , folks .
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any film that could take the indie-films' most valuable talents , and throw it all away with a bruce willis vehicle , a hundred-million dollar budget , but have cheap-o sets and lousy special effects , is , bottom line , living proof that hell exists , and has made a multi-picture deal with universal .
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in the midst of all the action , the terseness , the one-liners , the fake sets , the overall waste of time , i recognized matt malloy playing an underwritten nasa technician ( " malloy , give me a reading " ) .
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remember him ?
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he was a principal player in last year's _in the company of men_ , a film that was more powerful , shocking , terrifying , funny , and shocking than _armageddon_ could ever aspire to be .
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_armageddon_ cost over $100 million to make .
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_itcom_ cost a paltry $30 , 000 .
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need i say more ?
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