45 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
45 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
midway through " anaconda " , documentary filmmaker terri flores ( jennifer lopez ) turns to a co-worker and says " i thought this movie would be my first big break .
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instead , it's turned into a disaster . "
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truer words have never been spoken .
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" anaconda " is a monster movie with a lousy monster .
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it's a suspense film that is utterly predictable .
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it's a mess the film does manage to drum up some scares , but only in the most elementary way , like a jack-in-the-box .
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as you turn the crank , you're totally aware that the damn clown is going to pop up , but somehow it's still mildly startling when it happens .
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the main difference between the giant snake in " anaconda " and the clown in a jack-in-the-box is that the clown is more realistic .
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" anaconda " boasts some of the worst special effects to appear onscreen in years .
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animatronic shots of the snake look as phony as any of those cringe- inducing robots you've endured at disney world .
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but it's the computer animated scenes that truly expand the meaning of the word lame .
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in one shot , a character tries to flee from the monster by diving from a tree near a waterfall , but the giant snake springs out and loops around its hapless victim in mid air .
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the scene , if done well , would have been a jaw- dropper .
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here , the horribly bad digital effects look less convincing than a saturday morning cartoon .
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what's really amazing is that the filmmaker's were so proud of this dreadful shot that they actually included it in the promotional trailers for the movie .
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but enough about the phony snakes .
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now it's time to talk about the lousy story .
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heroic and very pale anthropologist eric stoltz leads a documentary film crew down a brazilian river in search of the shirishama indians , a legendary tribe that supposedly lives in the boondocks of the rain forest .
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stoltz tells his crew " pray that you didn't forget your bug spray . "
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apparently the female crew members bathed in the stuff , because they spend most of the film wearing skimpy tops and short shorts with no ill effect .
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along the way , the group rescues a whacked-out lapsed priest ( jon voight ) who claims to know how to find the shirishama .
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within minutes , they throw away all their plans and follow voight down a tributary into the land of creepiness .
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from that point on , the film is a hodgepodge of scenes and shots ripped off from " jaws " and " dead calm . "
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one of the oddest structural points of the film is the handling of eric stoltz .
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early in the story , his character gets knocked into a coma by a river insect and spends virtually the rest of the movie unconscious .
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so why did they hire an actor of the caliber of stoltz for what amounts to a cameo appearance ?
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also , why did stoltz , who generally selects his roles with great care , agree to appear in this crap ?
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ah , the mysteries of hollywood .
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the remaining crew members are basically just snake food waiting to happen .
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jonathan hyde is mildly diverting as a pompous englishman hired to narrate the documentary , but lopez and ice cube manage to rise above their cardboard characters .
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lopez , who starred in " selena , " is an enormously appealing performer , possessing a vibrancy that makes even the most trite lines seem credible .
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ice cube has a special charisma ; an ability to look like a macho adult and a frightened boy simultaneously .
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there's also a special twinkle in his eyes , as if he's gently mocking his own tough-guy posturing .
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but the movie really centers around the outrageously hammy performance of jon voight .
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obsessed with capturing one of the giant anacondas , voight plays the villain in thick accent , with a series of leers and hisses , spouting the kind of dialogue usually heard only in episodes of " jonny quest . "
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at one point , he looms over the crew and says " the anaconda is the perfect killing machine .
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it strikes , wraps around you , holds you tighter than your true love .
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and you get the privilege of hearing your bones break before the power of its embrace causes your veins to explode .
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" that moment is so high-camp that it almost made the film tolerable .
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almost .
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fans of the horror genre may be tempted to check out " anaconda . "
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don't .
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there are a lots of horror films scheduled for release this summer , including another " alien " sequel .
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wait for them , rent " jaws " in the meantime , and don't throw away your money and time on drivel like this .
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